Faith

Matthew 20:28 "For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served, but to serve others and give My life as ransom for many.

To think Christ said those words LIVE back then. That is astounding! Part of me wishes I was there. But with all going on with me medically, I can't see me now being an awesome verbal on fire one-for Him. 

I need help. I need Him to take all this away. He did the epilepsy, why not the rest? Or do I have to be ill in order to speak to others about Him. I have since the moment I was beaten and turned to overdosing-I realized there was more.

My brother and I hit the conversation. He read another one of my blogs on healing, then began thinking of a whole boat that went down. All I can say is that it hurts, but God has His timing for reasons. He has certain deaths as for they were enough, others not to see such atrocious sin enter when they return. Then we all out here on the outside have to answer. question. Understand. Many won't. Some will try. But God is in control and has His reasons for erratic things like this.

Then we get back to the illness. He goes on and on with all the selfish, wrong things he did-why didn't he get natural illnesses as I did? I have many to share-as I remained strong with Jesus. 

It took my 3rd brain surgery, my understanding his strife, and illnesses I have today to have him talking to and about God. Seeming way more stronger than myself. He asks me a question on God-faith, and gets me to answer it straight out. Therefore saying I have faith.

I know I have faith. Just is irritated, confused, and trying to get as strong. People like Troy are people who get it out of you. And I commend him, love him, and can't wait till he shares like me.

In His Love.

Heather

Illness

Matthew 9:27-29

After Jesus left the girl's home, two blind men followed along behind Him, shouting, "Son of David, have mercy on us!"  They went right into the house where He was staying, and Jesus asked them, "Do you believe I can make you see?" "Yes Lord, we do!" Then He touched their eyes and said, "Because of your faith, it will happen." And suddenly they could see! Jesus sternly warned them, "Do not tell anyone about this."

And I have gone thru so many illnesses. But it all happened at a severe point right before I found Jesus. Was that because I rejected Him for five years prior and needed me on fast forward to take care of my child. Be a single mom.

Then I get so on fire that I spread Him like fire. On line, off line, around line etc. I wonder if I compared to the men in this Scripture.

I do know that I am sick. I do know I have to keep growing closer to Jesus, as for it healed me before. Epilepsy is now gone after years of worshipping our One and only Savior. 

Deal is, every single time I was healed, another illness hit. Why illness? Why me? The one in the family who worships Him with all her heart. What does that do for Him and growth of other finding Him, if I can't get out there. Is this the last severe illness I bow to Him for? Or will it never end with me.

That is scary. These aren't small go to the doc and get some meds. These are from epilepsy, bad kidney, to blind eye, kills to function.

So if I could ask Jesus a simple question, "Will illness continue...." I wish I could. I could pray harder like I used to. Share His Word like never before. But when one illness gets healed by brain surgery, 3 mind you, and you get struck with an eye that can't see and body that can't function.... your Word for Him calms down. Know He is out there.... but maybe not for you. And the fire I had lit to share His Word is limited, as for I can't see reason for such despair.

And if any kind, it is something daily painful, and slow, like torture. Not doctors agreement on date due to cancer for me passing. But just a harsh way to keep me focused on Him, others to come to Him. Perhaps. But there are better ways.

Jesus, I love you.... please end this soon. I can't bring others to You like this. Simple truth.

Heather

He Gives and Takes Away

Jesus

He gives and takes away. How can that be one of my most awesome, loved songs... yet the lyrics are so brutal in certain ways. They have more than grabbed my heart and drenched it. Yet we cry those tears of love to Christ to "He gives and takes away..."

Now on a normal day, normal street, normal humans-we wouldn't look at it that way. Whomever gave us something amazing-then snatched it--we would be ANGRY!!! We might have hatred. We might not talk to for a while or so. But this is Jesus. His choices are right. His are clear to Him. His make our life an amazing one to keep living for Him, with His purpose. But it still hurts.

I had to deal with my 2nd surgery hurting my heart. And this song grabbing me both emotionally and with comfort. Letting me know that Jesus had more plans after that 2nd brain surgery-and I just had to hold on and trust Him.

Did that hold back tears. No. But I had the comfort of Him talking to me, perfect timing, letting me know His plans still were to come.

I went thru years of suffering, seizures, medication illnesses, etc for my 3rd brain surgery to arrive in February of 2010. I was so excited. So thankful.

After the amazing awake brain surgery I was "well" and healing for two months from the pain. Once that pain left-I was ready to rumble. Be more than who I was over a decade ago.

I started working-out. It only took 2 weeks for it to crash my body limb by limb. Starting with the foot. Worked its way up to my neck-including my fingers as I type. Everything killed me and nothing with any appointment made sense or got better. I am now partially blind. 

We are stuck between John Hopkins and back to Mayo with my neuro there. As for I've had weird neuro jolts thru the pain meds and stress.

Most of all I was angry at God. I have never understood why He would keep one, who has been a good kid, decent adult, then when found Him, pretty darn on fire for Christ--enabled, unwell. How long does He plan to keep me down and why?

I guess I won't know here. I just know I used to be an amazing soul-and it has been drained out of me as I sit here needing help with everything. Makes you wonder what kind of person you are? Wife? Mom? Sister..... that is why I want things fixable, or able to depart. No one can live like this. Ten Years Tory has had a sick mom--she is a bit over 9....wow....what a gift I am.

God.... please find an answer quicker than this. I can't take it.

Heather

One life to live, all should have a chance to dance when happy, happiness drives us to do fun things.  (do you think I can dance again one day?)  ~Hetty Jensen

Anger

Anger.

Isn't it a blast?

We all are guilty of it. And we can't say more than another-cause only God knows. But how we handle it, is another story. 

We can steal. We can be verbal. We can lie. We can cheat. We can murder. 

We can beat another-that I know. Felt that one for sure. We can cut each other down. We can use humor to cut one down. We can hurt others feelings over and over intentionally. We could remain bitter.

I could go on. But that will get me no where. But more tired. More pain. More drained with no winning.

Answer: let's do all of everything together. (A little Jerry Maguire) Don't have to agree, have to work together so things fit. No one is perfect I have relearned except Jesus. But it is a hard road He gives us sometimes and we need to look to ways that will bring us happiness along the way. Shunt the anger. Begin to reach back out to our Lord in time. 

It took today-a billion messages after a full night up....along with a phone call. It took so much sadness I found occur in ONE day thru my Faceback that broke my heart. That made me realize-no I am not alone in this disaster, and He will pick us each up as we reach!

So much sadness. One very tragic story. Just pray for a friend of mine, no one really knows-Catherine-who tried to leave this world. That was a wake up. And my heart is with her.

I am aching still bad. I still hate this. I still ask God why me.... but in one day He showed me so much why's that I should shut my trap---so I am.

God bless you all!!

In His Love,

Heather

I'll keep you updated!

James 3:2 We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way.

2 Peter 3:13 But we are looking forward to the new heavens and new earth He has promised, a world where everyone is right with God.

Despair

Desperately When will Jesus come back for me? He dropped me hard and left me behind to suffer. I am the only full, on fire for Christ in my family----He used me in amazing ways. But when do they lighten or changed a tad? Go from severe Epilepsy, 3 brain surgeries-multi illnesses along with all...all while praising, knowing He was using all for His gloryl I had reached to people I didn't even know. And that was enough. Just after 3rd, it got worse....some seizures occurred but most of all- I was given a new severe illness that was all over the body --severe pain--kidney shrank more which makes it hurt more. Basically bind. Ears off and on. But body is always in severe pain. I am on a walker now, at 33. I am bitter and angry and question God for the first real time-anf it hurts-and everytime I talk about it, I bawl. Lamentations 3:31-33 For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. I pray He doesn't enjoy showing it to others with me...cause it is never ending. No more family to bring to Christ....once I am gone-pray someone come to Him strong to bring to Him. Love, Heather @Time4Christ http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe