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| Heath & Marital Trials & tears |
Where do you turn in life-when the only one-- ONE with the correct answer is Christ. And with each brain surgery, from the one in 2002-not knowing Him at all with excruciating head throbs-to my 2005 one being so ON FIRE for HIM I think the other side of the nation saw the flames-I came out two days after surgery-little pain. Then to this past year-2010--strong prayer, from me, family, near by friends to across the world even posted in a book for me by Katie Hartnett and blogs all over prior and after. I was pain free except the headache that comes along with-but is manageable with meds and rest. Very functional right away. But this 3rd brain surgery took a toll--it didn't work the full absolute miracles that we all expected thru prayer, thru God. Thru the "doors opened", one closed-one left to enter....this one. I now question that thought, did I pray deep enough? Did I have the time to pray right in the coming end of it? It is like me. I am very black and white, yes or no person-So to answer that door open, I do not wait and wait for any door action to show up. If it slammed in given time, that is black to me-no, don't do it. If I wait around forever and watch it slowly close by docs choice of my procrastination-than that is grey. I pray and wait for one of these responses-in wishes Christ had a cell phone at times. Then perhaps I wouldn't be in this predicament. Cause right now, Black, white, grey of the door slamming is no longer working in my ten year relationship with Christ. I've heard that saying said so many times too. He has now proven me there is more to it all over all types of prayer, "door slamming" (black and white), extra opinions. As for my opinion is a wreck from being so unwell. Making all decisions is no longer in my hands as used to be. Not until this is healed.
And does He want me in this predicament or does He want me healed?
-Never ending, unanswered pain-results from my 3rd brain surgery I chose for a seizure free life.
-Resulting in inability to function as a homemaker, mom, wife, friend (hard to elaborate home day to day, they differ, but are all extreme pain, emotional, many times edgy, unable to open her own soda. (any can of whatever) I am 33, and declining. And it got worse, sadly with the stressfulness of Christians new career he loves (I feel more than me) and our move to Philly, sadly, which I do love. But this weather is breaking my pain until they go in for a brain surgery #4 to cut off all pain, due to the fact that they are not sure which part of the brain was clipped on the pain inducing part that reacts to nothing. Cutting it all out is better answer-feel no pain-like the movie UNBREAKABLE .... that would be me, 2nd time around.
This all hit a few months prior my husband getting offered a job out here in Philly--where none of my docs I am familiar with are at. Perhaps though this severe pain coming from the 3rd brain surgery-and my surgeon in denial-is part reason for sending us out here. Never-the-less, I wasn't really prepared physically, with doctors, knowledge of illness, emotionally-and in my relationship with my spouse and daughter for all that has hit me. And my husband has gone from an easy kick back job, to full force, forget where he is, what day it is, who he is, almost who I am it is that deep of a career. His hair is on fire and I am way too unwell to ever put it out now. I have no ability to help him-he has this full force, out of this world career-in addition to me, a full force wreck that has to hand him everything I do or did, cause I am too weak, sore, unwell to ever begin to. The whole court is his-yet it isn't. I have to verbally direct him when he gets really cranky or in overuse of my little child. We are at that point we need someone in to clean our home, cause I can barely clean myself-I hurt that bad. But he is so stubborn. Then, one day-as blessed as we are having my brother here-Troy J Jensen-- keeping him to help me thinking my health will get better--but let's live up to the fact, that isn't in the future cards, anytime soon-if at all. And he will, once we are done searching all docs in Philly to the ground, to see they snipped and clipped wrong in my 3rd brain surgery--he and I will have built this amazing friendship-never to be broken, but it will be time for him to move onto something in life promising. Which will sadden me, but make me happy for him. But then my husband-who will be working his chaotic hours, will hire some stranger to take care of me. This is the new life story.... and if I don't live thru marriage falling apart by then, then he will have moved on... that is the status quo of his type of position in life. I wish him all the well with that.
Til then, I greatly pray something miraculous fixes my pain. Or he fixes his job to become about a 20 hour a week job-or less. This is a fall-apart. And I haven't come across the right way to pray yet to make this flee--so perhaps this is permanent torture, or a calling to keep speaking His Word to best of my ability no matter what pain. Not sure. But this reaches a limit fibromyalgia just doesn't--I would actually trade in this case knowing the difference--as for I am missing a whole nerve for pain in my brain, from 3rd brain surgery. So -unless they go in a 4th time to cut the rest-just numb me, I will be in excruciating pain forever. I feel like a severe biblical pain like Job and Paul went thru-in a chapter of my own. Only no credit.
Bitter ending, with apologies. Marital strife, severe body pain, friends I no longer can please- all just never ends.... greatly apologize thru Christ... as I pray to Him for answers this month for left eyesight help, pain medication until the day before my birthday--Dec 14th, answers from a new neurologist as to where to go, who to see to help rid this pain.
I know He has the answer. Just so much easier for me to pray for seizure relief-surgery, as for I can seize and continue. This is constant, never-ending, severe pain, that makes you thank God you make it thru each day to the next.
Love you and thank you all for you love, prayers, support, friendship. For those I have been unable to call back--this pain is so excruciating that speaking is just crying. We will all have our day again--
Christian--I sure pray we do too. You have been my everything, remember from day I met you till now. Don't sell me short to your love of your career or money. My heart will break. You are amazing at what you do-and I don't want you to give it up. But I don't want you to forget me, or set me aside with "keepers" for you. Where do we go then? Never forget the letter I wrote you before brain surgery in 2005---I will post it on FB.
God bless you all. Goodnight!!
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.
