I have walked without Christ and with Him... and can compare the difference in hard times about not only how REAL HE IS--but how loving, caring, filled with plans HE TRULY IS--with our trust and love, back.
Such an amazing verse that so many take in different views.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
But really, what does that mean to you? If I had read this before I came to Christ...I would be saying "THIS HEART IS MINE..YOU WILL NOT HURT ANYMORE...I HAVE CONTROL OF IT ALL..MY TRUST IS IN NO ONE BUT ME..." that is just a tiny bit of past thought. Back when my ex announced his cheating on me...I guarded my heart for years and years to come...not letting it be open to him, to people, to myself, most of all...to our Lord and Savior...Jesus Christ.
I have learned over the years thru big mistakes of my own, how we are all sinners. Didn't have to read that in the Bible to realize that. Sure, they are all equal in God's eyes, but at times, don't you feel like what you've done, or a friend, or family member...repeatedly, seems to be a "higher" up sin in ranking for God? Seems like a larger checkmark on the chalkboard for someone should happen from Christ sometimes...but He doesn't judge...as we shouldn't, as for we should be more and more Christ-Like.
But it hurts when loved ones hurt us. When they don't follow thru. When they lie. When they don't communicate with their children in divorces...just move on. There is so much pain...and we always seem to want to point a finger somewhere. Instead of understanding...we have been there too. We have hurt people as well. We have hurt Christ...but He so forgives us every moment as His children. Why can't we be more like Him? Why do we have to get hit hard to realize WOW...I was warned that person would hurt me...because they are going thru tough times, or on drugs, or abused, confused, not into Christ, etc....We seem to have to also go thru something "hands on" even when we get pre-warnings from others who know what the outcome may be with certain choices. But we have to live and learn. We have to, yes, guard our hearts...but for those who we love, our family, friends, Christ-sisters and brothers, etc..but when anyone..family or not, come in and shake you...YOU GUARD THAT HEART FULL OF FAITH AND LOVE FOR OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST...and you don't let Satan work thru someone to knock the amazing plans Christ has for you...onto a longer misguided road. You love ALL thru Christ--for Christ. But you do not let anyone take HIM OUT OF YOUR HEART...to affect your life, your family, YOUR FAITH!
So my initial thought on guarding my heart was very selfish and out of bounds. But we all do it...when we have to guard it for our love for Christ...as we give our hearts to Him. He is our life, our everything...never let anyone lead you astray!
Colossians 2: 8
Don't let anyone lead you astray with empty philosophy and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the evil powers of this world, and not from Christ.
God bless you all...I am so blessed to be connected with each and everyone of you!
Blessing and Love thru Christ,
Hetty Siebens
http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, and He will make your paths straight.
Jesus is my answer-
no questions for me now
nor later!
Who went thru life with very tough stuff? Who had such major challenges they never could see or imagine there was a Bright Light at the end of that rocky tunnel? And when that focus started-who started having more trials and complications that looked like no answer, no end? Who grew very bitter and either turned from that Bright Light completely-or refused to ever give faith in our Creator a chance to guide us His Way planned for us even before we were in our Mother's womb?? (Jer 1:4) ? Refusing after so much tragedy or losses, once, twice, or year after year-that thoughts were bitter. Grown ups childishly just angry with fists and doubts toward any God!! And as years went by of us "waiting for His providing" or just anger and dust toward the thought that God was around, or none of this bad stuff would happen!?? Loss of a loved one placing doubt HE could be REAL cause the loss was way too early in "our" plans.
We have all faced something like this, and there is not one perfect person beside Jesus, that is high up and deserves all perfect in their lives-no matter even if they are a tight knit family-with full force of faith that Christ has a "special" suffer-less life set for them. That just isn't how it goes.
What is awesome is all people will have to face suffering in one way or another. But there are amazing, beautiful reasons that if we don't grip onto our One and only God, our Creator-Jesus Christ, we aren't going to walk His road of plans for us that He has had from before our birth. The beautiful life He gave us choice to accept as He died on that cross so that we could live with Him forever-our Savior. How? We don't live a bitter life at every trial we are faced with. We don't shake our fists at "whatever god allows this isn't a true one." The how can I be sick my whole life...when we can open our eyes to very young ones who might not make it after he/she was just brought into this world. Young ones battling extreme cancer and hasn't been in this world long? Or let's drag me in... how can I be blessed with such a beautiful daughter, yet attacked with extreme worsening seizures? Why God would you have my 1st brain surgery seem to work, but I was beaten shortly after by my now ex-which caused me to continue to overdose on my Phenobarbital? Cool God, I didn't know You when he beat me-and it led me to run to find You-after I rejected You for 7 years. I found You-and before I hit coma You heard that call I had for You. I needed to have a billionth chance-for my baby girls sake. And You did hear that cry!! But why God would You continue my illnesses? Go thru a 2nd brain surgery-but no meds were working with that if refused Phenobarbital. Why the other illnesses in between all my brain issues? Then also my daughter that also was diagnosed with epilepsy? Why put my new, amazing, loving yet lack of illness knowledge hubby-dear Christian? And ok-let's move onto my 3rd brain surgery (done awake). I have NO idea how controlled my seizures would be or would have been had a snip of my brain that controlled the bodies feeling of pain-or how it controlled the bodies senses keeping it painless. Well God, that snip put me in a walker at age 35 (well ages 33-35) and constrained in my bed or couch due to such severe full body pain. Why did I have to endure that, and lose 2 years of the closeness I have with my daughter. Then it set my marriage rocky for sometime? Why bless me with amazing Christian if between his new job and my illness were going to have our marriage rocky out in Philly? And heck God, why ever did you have his job placed somewhere YOU knew would worsen the pain?? And now my kidney needs to come out and because of my intense seizures I've had--I have to go back to a drug I've been on for my intense seizures. The drug that has killed many people from aplastic anemia and liver damage. But hey-I've fought that illness before a couple times-just back there for what, Your entertainment to watch my faithful or faithless reaction?? You get to see these sufferings and most say " If there was really a God-He wouldn't allow all these illnesses and suffering. There is no point to bring us to earth just to torture, right?"
Wrong. Every little and BIG (all are same, just different ways people can handle) issue, trial, illness, sufferings all have an AMAZING purpose. Not just or only or even much do the trials have to do with the sufferer much. It has to do with how will it touch other non-Christian lives... or Christians that are hard hearted... or people who have never even heard about Christ and someone else's trial, when praying, walking tight, and not giving up-knowing Christ has a plan with it all...and these people will look at what they really aren't suffering as the other has been and yet still lives each day for HIS GLORY! Puts what they or loved ones have been facing-into perspective. That just maybe Christ isn't a vicious God-but One who loves all and wants all to give their pain, illnesses, worries, all issues to HIM!!! To accept Him as their One True God, to put Him first in their lives-as He takes the suffering you are enduring-and is able to still give you joy during it thru love, hope, faith, trust, comfort--as He uses every moment of what you endure to open someone else's heart, mind and soul that what they never knew about or even rejected-is a TRUE LOVING GOD-that never gives up on His love and plans for You!! His love is unconditional... and thru all we face the only way to make it thru is by reaching for His hand of mercy and grace-giving us our billionth chance. And as He does that and our hearts our filled with joy-as we see Him work thru what we face that reaches out to others in dire need.
I've seen it happen in so many ways in all brain surgeries I've endured and many hospitalizations. My little girl was part of His plan--reaching out to a crying woman at Mayo Hospital. Asked what was wrong--finding out her husband would be passing in the next 24-48 hours from a staff infection. My daughter didn't talk about that--her first words with her hand on this lady was "Does your husband know Jesus Christ?" The lady stopped crying saying "I don't know" and turned around heading back to her husbands ICU to ask him.... an almost 5 year old can speak out comfortably about the true, intense need to accept Christ as our Savior--we go thru these to learn from our surroundings. From who touches us, plants a seed can make the most important change in our life. Never give up on your suffering or challenge--He just has amazing plans waiting to explode!!! As we reach for Him daily, thanking Him for His way we find Him... and learning to live out our suffering for HIS GLORY-forever AMEN!!
God bless you all. Suffering isn't a blast-but sure has comfort and purpose thru our Lord Jesus Christ. Reach out, talk to Him-but never doubt His Amazing Grace!
In His Love and Comfort,
Heather Siebens
James 1: 1-4
Dear Brothers and Sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
trials on earth will hit us, but we need to remember
WHO to GRASP-not WHAT. That is when the lightbulb turns
on bright and your life for Him is unchangeable.
Worthy is all His Praise, well, or unwell.
Blessings all!
The BIG WHY-was this miraculous 3rd brain surgery that a friend of mine made a folder for me for it. It contained as much of all of the prayer warriors praying for me while I was in the hospital Feb 1-14th for this 3rd, and awake brain surgery. Prayer warriors smoothly had this surgery happen-but after it, about a month and a half I was hit with excruciating pain from feet that traveled up my legs so fast it was out of this world!! Been back to my Mayo Hospital twice in patient and out patient. Nothing was jumping out at about every Doctor you could imagine seeing. And I had to move away from Phoenix to here, in Philly area. That whole year of 2010 all it did was worsen-but really took a toll this year. I am 34 and it is almost unable to walk some days. So, I really had BIG ups and downs with Jesus---as for we had so many prayers for the surgery-came thru so well, the moment I was better from healing-ready to get back to living-I was pain stricken--and it so far looks like for life, cause I haven't had a day off yet.
During this tragic disorder for me-has brought in an extremely big blessing--my Big Bro!! He is always with us, by our side-stays with us so he is here to help me thru the days. Lord I feel bad, as for he takes after my mother in anxiety. So when I hit extreme pain-he wants to fix it while his heart is pounding. But it is amazing how God draws family members together. I wouldn't give this up at all. I've wanted this close relationship with him since I was 19. He was hit with some big trials this year--but recently accepted Jesus--and my heart melts, knowing with the strangest, most painful parts of life-might just help another person.
But once again, in life, even before you know and trust Jesus-His plans our laid out... we may alter them a hunch, but when we accept Him and try to walk tighter with Him, and more like Him--it is then when life begins to change BIG-some you notice BIG TIME and thank Him in tears on your knees, others are more slight changes, or even something that doesn't seem a blessing, but in fact in time (sometimes YEARS) turns into an AMAZING BLESSING with your love, trust, and continual walk and relationship with Jesus. Whether that is with jobs, spouses, children, health etc.... so much has hit my life so hard that I wasn't sure I could, or really wanted to breathe the next day. But as I turned back to Jesus and prayed in tears "what do You want, where do I go from here? will everything work out ok?" He will comfort all in a way that you just will be amazed at. And whatever tragedy is in your life, will soon seem small, as you know He is more than real-He is why you have so many gifts--such as my precious Tory. My ex gave her up-and my husband has been her daddy since she was 2--and I praise God for that. Too many kiddos that are lost and hurt due to divorce, but Christ knew she needed perfect timing-she is sensitive. And she is blessed with my husband, her dad-to walk her down the aisle one day. She is one little girl that has been on fire for Jesus since she was 2... very open. And for that-I thank Jesus for.
Without this man, my husband, Christian Siebens- I am not sure how and where I'd be today. Before I was living for Jesus-I was living for him... to get help to get over the ex beating me, or off the drug I abused to numb that pain. He lived in Seattle, while I was in AZ... and we have endless e-mails... that are so grabbing. Our Lord made us both grow close to HIM, and each other afar, and when he moved to Phoenix back in 2004. Jesus works wonders. We married still, after he dealt with all my seizures, my brain surgery #2 -and Phenobarbital addictions when we re-tried that medication. He is one amazing man, Godly, true, loving, with no raging temper. Shocking compared to my 1st. God taught me a lesson there. Our wedding we had on the date my ex beat me-to wash out the bad-make it a day to look forward to always. He walked us thru more seizures,
I thank Jesus for my precious friends up in MN.... whom I first met on twitter and Facebook... but then in person up in MN. I am off to see them again end of July. These two are the sisters I never had--and are there in a flash when I need them. Know that there are those type of people still today... never give up!!! He has plans for us all.
My baby Tory... 3 1/2 praising Jesus to Chris Tomlin CD in my one bedroom apartment. We sure were a team!!!! Forever Mommy and Tory...
My precious sweet husband always reaching out to me with love... in all my pain...
I LOVE YOU CHRISTIAN SIEBENS!!!
Now here in PA.... I am too ill to find friends... but have the most precious hubby.... Forever thank Jesus for him!!!
God bless you all... know you are never alone. Mountains get very rocky... very steep... but you will reach the top and see pure beauty, again and again--as long as you keep trusting Jesus. He will carry you!!! No ones life is easier.. He knows all whom can handle--and not. He can take trials-and use them for amazing things in your life.... but even better, in others!!!
However, unless Jesus comes to me face to face--and the docs with written consent that a 4th brain surgery will make all this body pain flee... I won't go thru this again... I'll just keep praying the pain flees. :)
In His Love,
Heather
Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength thru His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in Your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, thru it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
I love this picture. Two of my best friends. My bestest friend-my husband, Christian-who brings joy and light into my life, always. Even if I am in my darkest dark. And my precious friend Dawn, who lives a life for others-full of sweet kindness, love, respect always for the other. She is walking light of love. With them at once-I am blessed overly!!!!
This CHRISTmas was just amazing. It was one that was quaint, stress-free, full of love, forgiveness, joy, and thrill of the coming New Year. This year sure had its bumps-and the way we were handling them was out of control for some time. Jesus got us back IN control-and we are blessed to be blessed with such love for one another-that we love to pour onto others.
We were double blessed. We had my brother back in our home, thrilled to see us all-loving our heart forgive in hard times and give second chances. He is working hard at his new awesome job-and just gracious we all our a family that help one another out-in LOVE. That is our favorite thing.
Then we were blessed again with our precious friend, past neighbor Dawn, back in Chandler, had her and her daughter Annaka, stay at our house due to being snowed into our new city of Philadelphia. So, even though she was going to make a quick trip to England--she spent that large price to kick it with us in Philly!!! All in all it was totally worth it. We both spent crazy money buying each other and our girls gifts--from missing each other soooo much since I have left. She is one strong willed amazing friend!!! She helped me out in all my crazy seizure attacks. Such a heart!!!
Here is the gift of Christmas from my husband; typed in a beautiful red frame with snowflake stickers....does a different one every Christmas; types....
Our 2010 Family Christmas Prayer
Early this year we thought healthy perfection was in the cards,
Not fantasy, existing only in our deepest hopes.
We moved to get a new start but excitement was followed by confusion and pain.
When Lord we asked, will health be?
In prison, prison of mind, pain and location
Did we make the right decisions for health and for our future?
We begged and waited with bated breath
At times our hopes grew dim, our souls became weary, our desires became dull.
But when we thought we could go no lower and confusion ran amuck,
Suddenly appeared light which issued great intellect and understanding
A light from a divine source. That source being You, Lord.
You gave us peace and understanding that perfection is not the goal
quality life and family was a reality still possible
You sent us Your precious love, love which we hold so dear to our heart.
The sunset and dusks light on a pennsylvania night
The glow of the sunrise on the park at daybreak
The color of the trees, the coolness of the snow
The laughter we hear from Tory aglow
The whisper of peace and letting go
You're our yesterdays memories
Today's reason to live and love
Tomorrow's dreams of the future
All the love we have to give
You are our beginning and our end
All we have in visions sight
Nothing has ever felt this good or this right
So take our hand, walk beside us each day
As we live our lives together with You by our side.
We trust You have our lives in the palm of Your hand.
Happy Birthday Jesus. You are our Everything.
The Siebens Family....
by Christian Siebens .... (aka -Heather Siebens precious other half)
And those are the remarkable words this year from my beloved hubby, whom I thank Jesus for, everyday... we are so blessed with each other, our daughter Tory... all of you as our friends. Many blessings to you all--in this coming year!!!
I had so much happen since last dwelling blog till now.
I had so much pain, I thought I was really going to die. The medication was increased and I would wake up half dead. But God finally had a point and time when my new medication started working more-but I sadly didn't realize it, so I just kind of slowly took less and less-until I was doubled over in pain, and vomiting from the medication withdrawal. Didn't know it was a strong one like that-my personal anti-seizure ones felt stronger and I could stop them. We went back to the doctor-he updated all meds, and I wound up having 2 large complex partial seizures for me. As for I usually don't have them at all, since 3rd brain surgery. That was the point of the surgery. I sadly paid the price of severe pain after-and am still waiting for a long--LONG period of time I can go PAIN FREE.
Now I know stress doesn't help pain... and I am one sad to admit-I never admit stress...cause I never really can feel it. I can just look back at the situation, and know that most people would have been stressed to death in same situation. I am just one odd brain. I have always been stress "free" -fearless child, a lot probably due to the medication I took for my seizures-was very strong... Phenobarbital. So I was "fearless" or just brain numb-but I would have to crash a plane 4-7 times to ever fear flights. My mother is very scared of everything. A lot of anxiety. She even had a brown bag in her car to breathe in if she had attacks. I just don't do that. Even after my 1st brain surgery, my ex husband beat me 2 months after--you'd think I'd still be seizing with how upset you get from being beaten. Not me. I was still calm enough I was seizure free through it all. All the counseling, pictures, etc.
Now, I knew I was really upset. With the pain I have-the worse it gets, the more depressed I get. Then if a sad, difficult situation arises-I will just bawl over it because of the pain depression I have. So my brother hurt me bad. He left our home, where he was living, taking care of me-to go to Phoenix to do some "work" meetings. That is great-show us the responses-bring in money finally-we'd be happy for him. But he didn't. He called me from a "business partners" home, who also had a stressed life. He provided a very strong ADHD medication for my brother, thinking it was out of kindness--but my brother took them in ridiculous amounts-like cocaine. And I lost him. So this wasn't helping my pain heal any, I had a crash the day after he was supposed to be home-but "missed" his flight and started up some crazy text messages.
So here I am, in utter pain, with a husband out of town, having to handle my precious nine year old all on my own--but I personally couldn't even get up the stairs I was in so much pain. I was in endless calls with my husband in tears--saying I could not do this alone. He knew I couldn't. God knew that. He brought my husband home early from his business trip to Canada by 2 1/2 days... but to me it felt like millions of days gone!!! That was the severe pain, inability to handle it all--and my hurt heart from my brother.
My birthday made a twist. We had a dear friend over. One who has such challenges in life-but such a heart. Amazing how we all differ. My brother has an amazing I.Q. --but that does NOTHING without a working heart. Katie's heart is what works best-and that is what is most needed in this world! And my brother figured that out. Saw what he missed in FB pics-saw photos of me with a friend and family-but minus him somehow for my birthday, and our first snowfall here in Philly since we moved here from AZ. And I am sure his heart sank. Cause his heart picked up his depressed, not moving body, and he typed amazing words to me I didn't know how to handle. Except forgiveness. Right away I knew that. I have been forgiven so much by so many--than mostly -our dear Lord!! But, I try and try to live more like Him, even when I am suffering--to forgive, set up boundaries and rules-but to love all over again.
And maybe that is part of God's reason of my pain. Perhaps it is just here to remind me every day, what IS, can be worse than what just happened, might happen, did happen---etc... but we CAN FIX THAT.... FORGIVE. I have zero control of my pain, but to be personally stress free, take my meds. To be stress free is to LOVE. FORGIVE. Never hold a grudge!!! And this has been the best reminder!!
I have loved my brother so much my whole life... I just always waited for him to love me as much back... that began last year, and never grew as much as this!! I am very blessed to have a brother like Troy Jensen. Doesn't matter to me how long it took--I have him. I am blessed.
And he and my precious hubby are like best friends... I know it hurt my dear hubby Christian Siebens... so his heart is healed too. But one mostly healed ever is my daughter, named after him, Tory. She talked to him on the phone like an exciting hour--then ran down the stairs in tears of joy!!!! Made him a Christmas gift already!!! She calls them "twins..." She has a heart like Jesus... never seen anyone else like this child, and it isn't from me!!! I am just blessed!!!
I love you all... thank you all for your prayers thru everything. This is why I have been afar!!! A lot going on with health and family!!!!! I love you all so much!!!
To God Be The Glory!!
Heather
Philippians 4: 6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Where do you turn in life-when the only one-- ONE with the correct answer is Christ. And with each brain surgery, from the one in 2002-not knowing Him at all with excruciating head throbs-to my 2005 one being so ON FIRE for HIM I think the other side of the nation saw the flames-I came out two days after surgery-little pain. Then to this past year-2010--strong prayer, from me, family, near by friends to across the world even posted in a book for me by Katie Hartnett and blogs all over prior and after. I was pain free except the headache that comes along with-but is manageable with meds and rest. Very functional right away. But this 3rd brain surgery took a toll--it didn't work the full absolute miracles that we all expected thru prayer, thru God. Thru the "doors opened", one closed-one left to enter....this one. I now question that thought, did I pray deep enough? Did I have the time to pray right in the coming end of it? It is like me. I am very black and white, yes or no person-So to answer that door open, I do not wait and wait for any door action to show up. If it slammed in given time, that is black to me-no, don't do it. If I wait around forever and watch it slowly close by docs choice of my procrastination-than that is grey. I pray and wait for one of these responses-in wishes Christ had a cell phone at times. Then perhaps I wouldn't be in this predicament. Cause right now, Black, white, grey of the door slamming is no longer working in my ten year relationship with Christ. I've heard that saying said so many times too. He has now proven me there is more to it all over all types of prayer, "door slamming" (black and white), extra opinions. As for my opinion is a wreck from being so unwell. Making all decisions is no longer in my hands as used to be. Not until this is healed.
And does He want me in this predicament or does He want me healed?
-Never ending, unanswered pain-results from my 3rd brain surgery I chose for a seizure free life.
-Resulting in inability to function as a homemaker, mom, wife, friend (hard to elaborate home day to day, they differ, but are all extreme pain, emotional, many times edgy, unable to open her own soda. (any can of whatever) I am 33, and declining. And it got worse, sadly with the stressfulness of Christians new career he loves (I feel more than me) and our move to Philly, sadly, which I do love. But this weather is breaking my pain until they go in for a brain surgery #4 to cut off all pain, due to the fact that they are not sure which part of the brain was clipped on the pain inducing part that reacts to nothing. Cutting it all out is better answer-feel no pain-like the movie UNBREAKABLE .... that would be me, 2nd time around.
This all hit a few months prior my husband getting offered a job out here in Philly--where none of my docs I am familiar with are at. Perhaps though this severe pain coming from the 3rd brain surgery-and my surgeon in denial-is part reason for sending us out here. Never-the-less, I wasn't really prepared physically, with doctors, knowledge of illness, emotionally-and in my relationship with my spouse and daughter for all that has hit me. And my husband has gone from an easy kick back job, to full force, forget where he is, what day it is, who he is, almost who I am it is that deep of a career. His hair is on fire and I am way too unwell to ever put it out now. I have no ability to help him-he has this full force, out of this world career-in addition to me, a full force wreck that has to hand him everything I do or did, cause I am too weak, sore, unwell to ever begin to. The whole court is his-yet it isn't. I have to verbally direct him when he gets really cranky or in overuse of my little child. We are at that point we need someone in to clean our home, cause I can barely clean myself-I hurt that bad. But he is so stubborn. Then, one day-as blessed as we are having my brother here-Troy J Jensen-- keeping him to help me thinking my health will get better--but let's live up to the fact, that isn't in the future cards, anytime soon-if at all. And he will, once we are done searching all docs in Philly to the ground, to see they snipped and clipped wrong in my 3rd brain surgery--he and I will have built this amazing friendship-never to be broken, but it will be time for him to move onto something in life promising. Which will sadden me, but make me happy for him. But then my husband-who will be working his chaotic hours, will hire some stranger to take care of me. This is the new life story.... and if I don't live thru marriage falling apart by then, then he will have moved on... that is the status quo of his type of position in life. I wish him all the well with that.
Til then, I greatly pray something miraculous fixes my pain. Or he fixes his job to become about a 20 hour a week job-or less. This is a fall-apart. And I haven't come across the right way to pray yet to make this flee--so perhaps this is permanent torture, or a calling to keep speaking His Word to best of my ability no matter what pain. Not sure. But this reaches a limit fibromyalgia just doesn't--I would actually trade in this case knowing the difference--as for I am missing a whole nerve for pain in my brain, from 3rd brain surgery. So -unless they go in a 4th time to cut the rest-just numb me, I will be in excruciating pain forever. I feel like a severe biblical pain like Job and Paul went thru-in a chapter of my own. Only no credit.
Bitter ending, with apologies. Marital strife, severe body pain, friends I no longer can please- all just never ends.... greatly apologize thru Christ... as I pray to Him for answers this month for left eyesight help, pain medication until the day before my birthday--Dec 14th, answers from a new neurologist as to where to go, who to see to help rid this pain.
I know He has the answer. Just so much easier for me to pray for seizure relief-surgery, as for I can seize and continue. This is constant, never-ending, severe pain, that makes you thank God you make it thru each day to the next.
Love you and thank you all for you love, prayers, support, friendship. For those I have been unable to call back--this pain is so excruciating that speaking is just crying. We will all have our day again--
Christian--I sure pray we do too. You have been my everything, remember from day I met you till now. Don't sell me short to your love of your career or money. My heart will break. You are amazing at what you do-and I don't want you to give it up. But I don't want you to forget me, or set me aside with "keepers" for you. Where do we go then? Never forget the letter I wrote you before brain surgery in 2005---I will post it on FB.
God bless you all. Goodnight!!
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.
And I am still stuck in a horrifying rut. For a decade I have suffered with quite the multiple illnesses. Right now I will name 1. Epilepsy 2. severe, immobile pain of the body
Most likely #2 came from #1. Not epilepsy itself. But all the work I prayed for, about, door opened, and I snatched for 3rd brain surgery, done awake. It is a critical procedure. It you aren't weird like me in the hospital, used to it, excited for the surgery to rid of the disorder that hindered a lot of me and my families life-then you aren't a candidate. They have to be able to lightly give you anesthesia to saw and cut, fold back your head and skull. Quickly awaken to a numbing medicine that will only last for a little while-then they are too busy focusing on the surgery, which is good then to get more numbing substance. So then it is just to tell yourself that the pain feels great, you just want more!!! So you get thru it, without ruining the procedure. I am very good at that.
That #3rd brain surgery rid my seizures. We were delighted. I dealt with the headaches that followed for about two months, then they dissipated. For two weeks my family and I joined a gym-my request, for all the stuff I did a decade ago. Cardio, and weights, then indoor rock climbing!!!!! And basketball teaching my child as well as racquetball. About a half week after that fun, it sank. My whole body quickly from one foot and leg to another, to hips, ......all the way up to my shoulders.....were and are killing. We are stuck, after a couple hospitalizations where all was performed-Mayo Hospital, Phoenix, AZ.... we still have no answers. I flew back there to AZ now that we live in Philly to get appts with MY docs. No clear cut answers except a maybe Fibromyalgia. Okay. Let me try to cope with that. I tried to for a while. Then saw a physical therapist out here who examined me for almost two hours. Said no way it is Fibro. He says, as we've wondered, that most likely during that "have to be quick" awake surgery that a piece of the temporal lobe that controls pain was clipped. Now my body is in blatant confusion. But hey, even though I can hardly walk, play with my child, make love with my spouse-I am seizure free, right?
NO. That isn't the point. This is the worst part of my life ever. Clinging to any reason to stay alive when I am so useless. This all goes back to the start of this decade Jesus has chosen me I guess to do not much but suffer.
Seizures began going nuts in 1999. In 2000, when pregnant, I couldn't work or drive any longer as for they got worse and were sporadic. I was with a non stable husband then (ex now) and his mother referred me in their little town in Tuscaloosa, Al to a doctor who started the chaos from lack of knowledge. As for, not told, I happily went to see this neurologist--for MIGRAINES. Mind you, this is something big to keep watch on during your pregnancy. But Ben Lucy III had little knowledge what to do with my case. My seizures we frequent, requiring more medication. But as he saw the only one I took my whole life was Phenobarbital, he increased it well passed toxic level. And my child was born at her tiny size, at my normal weigh around 110 level. (33) As well as having seizures today.
My whole life I never did one illegal drug, odd being from Lake Havasu City, nor did I have one drink until I turned 21. From then I had a total of like 7. No addictions.
But I had always had marital problems that heated up when my child was born. (mine as for he has signed her off) I went thru my first brain surgery-same hospital and surgeon. Complete success. Still on phenobarbital, but back down to 180!! It was time for me to move to TX where my now ex was stationed. Got there the 2nd of October 2002-he beat me on the 6th. Thru all of that-going to base, pictures taken of body bruises, x-rays etc, I made it thru every tear, and my baby's tear with no seizures.
It was all the drama that began to set it from my ex. Personal feelings I had of the whole situation-my brain snapped and recalled well. The answer to this dreadfulness are hand full of my pheno's. Numb my pain, get thru paperwork-hopefully get back to my family in Phoenix soon. But that medication is a quick downer, and you will bawl. So, you pop more. You are sure you can walk a straight line, talk, drive. As long as I made it thru the day, that pill was my "god." No one to reach to much about the abuse, this was simpler.
It led to a family friend I visited in Austin, as for I feel I look and talk normal. They were astonished at my "personality." It wasn't me. They called my parents in AZ said to get on a flight now, as he took me to an ER or two.
I got my own apartment after a couple months with my family in Chandler, AZ. It was my Tory and I. And had she been old enough to count for me, I could relay what an atrocious years for OD that was. Wasn't taken care of until I could tell it was not filling my void. So I went to a church, cause, honestly it had purple signs. I had to find another way to take my emotional pain from me. Pills didn't do it. It took 3 overdoses... and the last one never forgotten. Mayo ED had to pump my stomach as I was crying for Jesus' mercy, my lights went out into coma-He woke me up a different person.
Here is the catch. I became a full fledged follower October 24, 2003. And I know, recognize, feel, read, explain, and live out how more suffering is to come. I grasped that. So I fought over 20 medication changes and eight grand mal seizures in 2004. I fought side effects that made docs think I was dying--just the drug side effect. We see nothing working and had me in the hospital 2 times for testing for 2nd brain surgery. I was a complete success with that SISCOM test.
Surgery date #2 -went into Mayo March 28, 2005 and had the surgery done April 4, 2005. Once again-full of His love, grace, and mercy. Prayers all around me from others-as I prayed for my family to find Jesus. In and out. Amazing.
One month later I had another grand mal, and two complex partials. There is a WHY? But I didn't give into that. I blamed that medication I was still on. So we switched. I was doing pretty good with a few auras here and there. But worse off, my eyes killed the whole 8 mos of trying this medication. We tried to see if the Godly Heather would be different with phenobarbital now---and that didn't work. We have tried all meds so in 2006 we were at a loss. We gave this med that hardly anyone will take a chance. Felbaltol--caused liver damage quickly and aplastic anemia in prior patients. But I was gonna have faith.
I was becoming one of those stats about 5 months into it. Hospitalized very unwell summer of 2006. They got my white count back up and missing vitamins. For the fact I was 30 pounds less than normal, they decided to take me off of it. Not even a month later I was back in with constant huge grand mal seizures, from lack of Felbatol.
In between all these stays they have found one kidney that almost does not function at all. Drastic TMJ, RLS along with air stuck in my salivary gland from 1st brain surgery.
When I had that grand mal stay in 2006-that was when I had my first question to God-the Why? How's? etc And my heart was hurting.
But nothing hurt my heart so bad when after this 3rd brain surgery, basically seizure free-but held down, disabled with such severe pain from shoulders down. I can't do anything. When I do--it can be no more than 4 hours. And I will then be on the couch for 14 days and using my walker.
Why get someone well God for a couple weeks to show that Glory, than slap it with such trauma.???
I am in a severe check out mood--whether just God, but no, the pain is still here--than life. And I am really trying how else one could live like this-but I don't see that in the near.
So much more to tell.... but a glimpse of why He is never done with my medical suffering. And not just one, multiple. One gets well, quickly turns to another--seems more devil like. So between extreme pain from my 3rd brain surgery by Dr. Richard Scott Zimmerman, Mayo
and this new upcoming hardy symptoms from meniere's disease..... His plans are to keep me down....
Not sure of my plan, but I Love you All so deeply!!!
Love,
Heather J Siebens
Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment. ~Will Rogers
All pain is either severe or slight, if slight, it is easily endured; if severe, it will without doubt be brief. ~Cicero
With heart and voice, With Hands and face, No one can take a mother's place.
The most amazing gift that has "seen" me thru everything in my life, so much tragedy, hard times and distress-is this now 9 1/2 precious girl, now I know as a gift from Jesus-Tory Mariah Siebens.
That is already her second last name. How odd is that happening years prior 9? My ex husband, her past dad biological was all we could say-would only take time finally when he had some. He was busy trying to get higher ranking in the Army, dating on the side, while I struggled finding out how will I take care of her on such a tiny bit of money? I don't go back to abuse that had already been been 6 years of adultery, after throwing this "Jesus " stuff in my face. So of course I rejected Jesus then in the 90's, and easily was confused as to whom I wanted-as each time we filed-I searched for more. Several times I was not filed. So I was not perfect. Just very hurt in our early years.
But he led on to sticking with me, even after I told him we were pregnant from that night we kindly went out to decide how we would file. When he heard that, he blew up and wanted to abort her. Oddly him being raised as the "Christian" I was shocked to hear that. As for I thought I, not being one, felt weird feeling it was some sort of sign to stick together. After a few days he stuck it out--
But thru months of tragedy that led to selfishness as for my illness that no one ever expected interrupted his plans made. He wound up having to find a way to cover both me and his daughter in insurance. My Cobra ran out. He joined the Army. He had many relationships while I was ill in AZ raising Tory. Then he came back for 2 weeks to "help" me after my my 1st brain surgery. Was not fun at all. Even when I went to see my neurologist, he told me the way I acted was I did not want to go live with him-there was fear. But as wife, I was ready to give it a try.
I was there for 4 days, that night I was very emotional. He looked up at me me at told me "You just better get over it or I will sent just you back---I am going to bed!" I began to bawl-- that didn't turn into "how can I help you sweetie...." it led from him ripping on me from one year to another-my eyes were wide open... and I told him to quiet down for Tory's sake.... He wouldn't...
I then told him I would take the bed, you take the couch until this is all settled. I went to close the door-and he busted part of the side to get in. I always had seen parts of him aggressive... but they kept growing so out of control.
The neighbor was also Army, would not let me use her phone. Ours still was not hooked up on first night. And I was cell phone-less. I couldn't leave cause I had no idea where I was, and of my baby.... so I lived it out, awake a few more hours with my car key-in which he would need, so he better be good til then.
Story moved fast fast from there-I found an amazing Army Chaplain... no he found me bawling. He took me in his office-guided me what to do. So much in between, but this little 1 1/2 yr old held so tight thru it all.... God just watched over her big. We had run into friends at our apartment that the Army pulled my ex out of--they we Christians-I was clueless. But it made them loving and sweet. Tory and I had all that bonding time again just on our own. We our the Mom and daughter team. We were on our own in the very beginning, middle, then, after.....until we went back to Chandler, AZ....
I had been talking to my amazing friend, who had such a heart for me, how couldn't he for Tory? So several months after my overdosing had begun to numb my pain, Christian began to fly down to Phoenix, where he had business and all his family. We would go on dates-and the amazing part, he would happily go on one along with Tory!! That was a real man!! Those two sure more than connected, as for they are daughter and daddy today!! He is my husband legally for 3 years and 3 days ago!! ( I made it Oct 6, 2006--Oct 6 in 2002 was when my ex beat me, turned it into a wonderful day!) And this girl has lived thru my ex finally trying to get some time when she was 5 for a drop by than 6-7 yrs old couple weeks per years. It ironically was when her seizures spiked very high. As for stress is one of the top causes for extra seizures.
During her time with my ex, whom no matter what truth of how she was born I would tell her, to her - her real dad was and is Christian. He has raised her since she was 2. Many years prior before my ex stepped back in. But his new wife, 22 yr old, insisted aggressively to her that she call him daddy and her some other name that meant aunt in her country. That was uncomfortable for Tory. They would tell different "tragic" stories that I had never even spoke about to her. I am not 20 anymore. So my child saw psychology for a while. He finally saw what he was doing to her, and sadly they were pregnant and chose the money to her over her-after all they put her thru.
But she and I thru it all were best friends. She was there for me for ALL brain surgeries. Amazing how God is so in her heart. Her heart isn't one to explain at her ages she has been. She cares for all, and all ages. A child that just is like a walking Jesus-not anything much like a child too often. She has a heart for all of you-and she doesn't even know you. I didn't do this. Jesus did this. Started out protection thru parental strife--led on with a leader for not just kids, but adults too-and preparation I am sure for one day when she does hear the truth of he ex dad. But she is one I haven't seen hate one kid yet. And I am so proud. One mom that can learn from her child. The words she'd say to me while in the hospital, would blow me away!!! I am blessed.... with her and her true Dad Christian.
Love you both.
Love,
Heather
A mother eases the pain,
quiets the heart,
calms the the fear,
and wipes away every tear
that runs down a child's cheek
My child Tory is full of endless love and touching care,
since first moment together we'd always touch and smile,
with her love she'd gracefully come to me and share
endless talk about her and me that took quite a while. ~Hetty
I love you mommy. you have made my life the best ever. Jesus gave me you and I thank him so much for our love that never ends. Must also come from his amazing gift of love. thank you always for being there always-I will always be there for you too. God has had reason for all brain surgeries, and illnesses. But I love to hug you and kiss you and pray while you are there for the surgery. our love is so strong, mom, I think that it heals just as much thru Christ as surgery does. I love you, praise Jesus for you, think of you always, and can't wait for every moment we will spend our special time together. My love is strong for Jesus, you and daddy--but is also one amazing love that reaches out to all thru hard times. Praying for healing. God amazing me daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, monthly, yearly.... I love you all so much. God Bless.
For us always, thru all to come, we are one on one thru Christ-mom full of love and comfort and teaching.
Takes away and GIVES Job 1:21 (KJV) And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
It has been a tough half a year following my 3rd brain surgery. One severe pain led to another. One why led to several. Then just a final snap. All emotions went haywire as for nothing felt fixable. I'd be given different pieces of thoughts on what it could be. But not all tests in the world were run yet, to find out to WHAT it is.
So I struggled in pain. We moved to an amazing new home-with awesome stairs--that I can't get up. I felt so alone, so baby like. And I was supposed to be the mom. So I got on the phone with my neurologist here in AZ in tears and told him straight out. He had me come out for a billion outpatient appointments. I thank God for my parents and everyone helping me get back and forth.
It boiled down to many years of stress, trauma, surgeries--and how my body coped with stress then, was to seize. Now since my 3rd brain surgery in February it doesn't have that ability. I am seizure free. So whatever stress I have, and am unaware of (which is always-my family doesn't recognize it well-tough people) it doesn't flee thru the brain for seizures, it tries, brain gets confused and shoots it all over, confusing all parts of my body-causing confusion in it even of severe pain receptors. So my stress has to decrease, I have to increase little each day with moving my body to get all of it flowing-physical therapy, pool exercises, etc. Reactivate it in the right way, hopefully.
This has been a long walk. I have to accept this won't go away with a pill or surgery-but I am in along with it getting better. I have two meds that help it-but still is quite extreme pain right now until more and more therapy gets going.
Long road for 33, 10 years of just one major health issue after another. But then I look at dear friends who have it hard at a younger age--such as 7--and my heart breaks. Then you buck up and understand the days you wish you could take those illnesses away-but I've learned the teachings thru Christ what illnesses can do for the patient, family, friends, surrounding people near and far. And we have to learn that HE knows the answers and plans-we don't. Give our worries and cares to Him--for He more than cares!! He has plans for us!!! His love will never perish!! Blessed be the LORD!!
AMEN....
Lean on HIM....
Love you all-thank you for all your prayers and love!
Romans 9:18 So you see, God shows mercy to some just because He wants to, and He chooses to make some people refuse to listen.
Powerful words. I remember being told by someone like a year ago they decided not to believe in Jesus-have faith at all, all because of this verse. It is a strong verse. But I stared at it for a while-it really didn't pertain to my life yet, so it didn't come out strong yet. So I gave it time.
Not that I know what the Word possible is for sure, but it came to my mind with all me, then my brother-my family goes thru. I already knew it isn't a pre-destined - or freewill would have been pointless... and learning to have faith in Christ, etc. The reason behind that verse above is that God has His timing. His personal patience and plans on all of us. With knowing all each of us can go thru and take to find Him-He knows how long to allow us to keep wandering on our own, for our own love of life and things until He finally starts to throw in "signs." Throw in pushes for us to learn more... make Him more obvious thru all we've gone thru and pulled-whether we like it or not. Until one day we do run into a something, someone, sometime that all blend together so perfect to help everything open for finding, and searching for Him-willingly. And that is when it is amazing.
I have seen this happen so many times. Starting with myself denying in the beginning. But getting coddled the whole way-while clueless it was Him at all then. Until I hit my bottom-then He opened my eyes and ears and heart to it all. That is when I really saw all He did the whole way.
I have seen this in so many friends, my brother, amazing souls who come to me--I am amazed at how He moves all around us-with such a heart. With plans. He doesn't want to see any of us perish for sure.
So know-even though someones eyes and ears may be shut right now-- but In His Time they will be opened, and such a shock. And He has plans with it all.
As I sit here on the end of my testing-I pray my daughter does well thru the week til I get home. As she grips Jesus. My husband keeps walking tight with Him as I return-our love only gets stronger thru Him--and my brother just gets ready for a big hug, even when I am in pain-and just to talk all about how amazing He is, always. He does have plans for us.
This has been a tough week here in Phoenix with all these medical tests-but I do know He is true and faithful. And He sure has love extended to us all--with endless plans for life!!
I now live in Philadelphia, PA. Am still in utter pain from before my move out here. It has been excruciating since two months after my 3rd brain surgery. The pain started in April of 2010-and has gotten nothing but worse.
I have had so many by my side thru it all. One amazing one is @mcProdigal - as I have had these enormous break downs, he has stood up for me. Reasons. Prayer. Friendship. One who is always there for you in moments time, as you reach out. He will amaze you. He still does me. And I hope he knows he will be kept in contact my whole stay at Mayo.
My own brother @troyjensen is the one who has awakened me to getting well. Back to Jesus and my faith. He has so much love it is amazing-he is the one with the brain yet takes time for me. We are the brother and sister I've always wanted, and I hope even more than he ever expected.
My husband has the strength to let me go to Phoenix, AZ-back to my hospital to have this figured out. And he loves me so much, he didn't hang on-saying no no, go here. He has let me go knowing the best is where I am going-that way he can get a larger, great percentage back of me to him.
And my Tory will always amaze all. She is so on fire for Jesus. The one young child Jesus has made to understand so much about my illnesses and how to fix them-not to fear it. She has such an understanding and pure love for all of us thru it-it makes me cry more.
Thank you all for your support. I will land in Phoenix tomorrow 1 pm... and enter Mayo on Tuesday... look forward to staying in touch thru it all. You all amaze me.
"Can miles truly separate you from friends....If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" ~Richard Bach Quote
My precious husband and I started dating shortly after a tragedy in my life-my ex beating me and my turning to overdosing to numb that pain. I didn't know that doctors quick answers and I sure as heck did not know Jesus'.
My sweet hubby today-and confused me with what was right, what was wrong. We just connected so well thru our hearts for one another. He connected more every time thru being a dad on the visit. One Tory looked up to.
We still had to deal with out stronger love from afar more and more every month, every year. In April of 2004 we had amazing talks on the phone. So amazing he was receiving numerous deep poems, love stories, amazement how we were at where we were-perhaps getting redding ready to get further! Thru God-with each other!!
It wasn't long after my writing to my then boyfriend, all giddy, that I went from that attitude to my having huge convulsions. Mu sweet heart's heart just sank.
Then this precious one cafe to visit me in May to see how I was. He held me tight in love as we were ready for church. About 15 minutes prior it starting, I had had hard core complex partial. So I was ready not to go. But it worsened that night. He stayed with me for safety.
And that is what is changed is outlook on my seizures. The fact he was around to see them. To help console me. And our kiddo. But before he never really saw them- he had reason to doubt. As before he had.
Darn epilepsy doesn't show on the outside well. But this illness began to show along with two more brain surgeriesl
And with faith and support of faith I can say I was finally healed from my epilepsy.... but it sadly led to more destruction. Worse destruction I'd trade back-my whole body kills. Along with my left eye going blind.
I am incapable of getting up our stairs. Or dressing wells. Walking, carrying my laptop. I have my brother, thank God for all of this.
My Big brother who used to be to proud-the hiring type-is now the one there for me. 100% No matter how high is I.Q. he waits for me to get well-saying that means for then everything in his like!!! Who else will keep him on fire for Jesus!!??
That changed my life-my aspect on how well I WILL GET... and I thank God for Him!
As for my hubby seeing this one either---no. He won't. But He will see what amazing good Christ will bring out of it again.
I am nervous for the first time about what the docs will say and do-but at peace knowing already my brother stood up for Jesus thru me--and I will get well-His timing.
Luke 6:37-38 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back."
Giving. Doesn't it always seem like we are talking physical gift? Whether Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc... isn't giving usually looked at as physical gifts?
Those gifts are amazing, and usually from an amazing soul that is already a gift from Jesus--whether you spouse, kiddo, brother, sister, parents etc... to me, they sure are gifts as well.
My big brother and I have formed a bond, a relationship-an extreme gift to me this past year. One that I will cherish forever. One that is better than any wrapped gift-as for it is all from the hearts. Mine was never perfect, but was sure patient in waiting to hear from my heart-filled brother one day. One that set money aside, acknowledging that money can be productive, but nothing can be like the heart of a loved one.
And that is what he has done in just ounces of time. May not have all of what he had in the beginning of his spiral-may not add up as much expensive "needed" items. Or over time just tons of stuff of expense, that just don't mean anything in the heart. When the heart isn't reacting-there is more to be searched for. Praying to God He guides you how to fill it with something correct of the heart.
Even if you have tried another persons heart-try it again, but with one of deep love you haven't allowed yourself to recognize.
My brother and I have so much love for each other-he was just unaware for a while there. I always loved him beyond happy book love. I truly put my whole self out there-defending all he was going thru, put me thru, others thru. He was needing more heart patience from someone-or he'd give up on his. And for months I was there, patient, and full of love and history. He just needed to make a change. Choose to.
He chose to when we moved to Philly. He saw my suffering with my illness-and my Why God's coming out. He didn't like that about me. He knew how I knew all about Jesus, and was one to share. Time before, yes, he thought that was weird... but watching my illness get worse as my love faded for Christ-all he could do was begin praying. And talking a ton to me about Jesus. Finally, after a decade of my love for Christ there-he had to reset it for me too. This life isn't just about me--he'd tell me... thru the illness it was about helping others. Finding right help. Growing close as family--- and for him, staying off his amazing work until I am better, so I have him at home, helping.
God worked wonders thru my brother to restart my engine. Siblings like this keep you alive-just thru love and personality-but thru Christ at the beginning of a brilliant walk.
We are thrilled and blessed beyond measure. All I can say is Praise The Lord!
