Love and Forgiveness help...

I had so much happen since last dwelling blog till now.

I had so much pain, I thought I was really going to die. The medication was increased and I would wake up half dead. But God finally had a point and time when my new medication started working more-but I sadly didn't realize it, so I just kind of slowly took less and less-until I was doubled over in pain, and vomiting from the medication withdrawal. Didn't know it was a strong one like that-my personal anti-seizure ones felt stronger and I could stop them. We went back to the doctor-he updated all meds, and I wound up having 2 large complex partial seizures for me. As for I usually don't have them at all, since 3rd brain surgery. That was the point of the surgery. I sadly paid the price of severe pain after-and am still waiting for a long--LONG period of time I can go PAIN FREE.

Now I know stress doesn't help pain... and I am one sad to admit-I never admit stress...cause I never really can feel it. I can just look back at the situation, and know that most people would have been stressed to death in same situation. I am just one odd brain. I have always been stress "free" -fearless child, a lot probably due to the medication I took for my seizures-was very strong... Phenobarbital. So I was "fearless" or just brain numb-but I would have to crash a plane 4-7 times to ever fear flights. My mother is very scared of everything. A lot of anxiety. She even had a brown bag in her car to breathe in if she had attacks. I just don't do that. Even after my 1st brain surgery, my ex husband beat me 2 months after--you'd think I'd still be seizing with how upset you get from being beaten. Not me. I was still calm enough I was seizure free through it all. All the counseling, pictures, etc.

Now, I knew I was really upset. With the pain I have-the worse it gets, the more depressed I get. Then if a sad, difficult situation arises-I will just bawl over it because of the pain depression I have. So my brother hurt me bad. He left our home, where he was living, taking care of me-to go to Phoenix to do some "work" meetings. That is great-show us the responses-bring in money finally-we'd be happy for him. But he didn't. He called me from a "business partners" home, who also had a stressed life. He provided a very strong ADHD medication for my brother, thinking it was out of kindness--but my brother took them in ridiculous amounts-like cocaine. And I lost him. So this wasn't helping my pain heal any, I had a crash the day after he was supposed to be home-but "missed" his flight and started up some crazy text messages.

So here I am, in utter pain, with a husband out of town, having to handle my precious nine year old all on my own--but I personally couldn't even get up the stairs I was in so much pain. I was in endless calls with my husband in tears--saying I could not do this alone. He knew I couldn't. God knew that. He brought my husband home early from his business trip to Canada by 2 1/2 days... but to me it felt like millions of days gone!!! That was the severe pain, inability to handle it all--and my hurt heart from my brother.

My birthday made a twist. We had a dear friend over. One who has such challenges in life-but such a heart. Amazing how we all differ. My brother has an amazing I.Q. --but that does NOTHING without a working heart. Katie's heart is what works best-and that is what is most needed in this world! And my brother figured that out. Saw what he missed in FB pics-saw photos of me with a friend and family-but minus him somehow for my birthday, and our first snowfall here in Philly since we moved here from AZ. And I am sure his heart sank. Cause his heart picked up his depressed, not moving body, and he typed amazing words to me I didn't know how to handle. Except forgiveness. Right away I knew that. I have been forgiven so much by so many--than mostly -our dear Lord!! But, I try and try to live more like Him, even when I am suffering--to forgive, set up boundaries and rules-but to love all over again.

And maybe that is part of God's reason of my pain. Perhaps it is just here to remind me every day, what IS, can be worse than what just happened, might happen, did happen---etc... but we CAN FIX THAT.... FORGIVE. I have zero control of my pain, but to be personally stress free, take my meds. To be stress free is to LOVE. FORGIVE. Never hold a grudge!!! And this has been the best reminder!!

I have loved my brother so much my whole life... I just always waited for him to love me as much back... that began last year, and never grew as much as this!! I am very blessed to have a brother like Troy Jensen. Doesn't matter to me how long it took--I have him. I am blessed.

And he and my precious hubby are like best friends... I know it hurt my dear hubby Christian Siebens... so his heart is healed too. But one mostly healed ever is my daughter, named after him, Tory. She talked to him on the phone like an exciting hour--then ran down the stairs in tears of joy!!!! Made him a Christmas gift already!!! She calls them "twins..." She has a heart like Jesus... never seen anyone else like this child, and it isn't from me!!! I am just blessed!!!

I love you all... thank you all for your prayers thru everything. This is why I have been afar!!! A lot going on with health and family!!!!! I love you all so much!!!

To God Be The Glory!!

Heather

Philippians 4: 6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

WHAT UP?? from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Beauty in Life

Smiles thru Love

With heart and voice,
With Hands and face,
No one can take a mother's place.

The most amazing gift that has "seen" me thru everything in my life, so much tragedy, hard times and distress-is this now 9 1/2 precious girl, now I know as a gift from Jesus-Tory Mariah Siebens. 

That is already her second last name. How odd is that happening years prior 9? My ex husband, her past dad biological was all we could say-would only take time finally when he had some. He was busy trying to get higher ranking in the Army, dating on the side, while I struggled finding out how will I take care of her on such a tiny bit of money? I don't go back to abuse that had already been been 6 years of adultery, after throwing this "Jesus " stuff in my face.  So of course I rejected Jesus then in the 90's, and easily was confused as to whom I wanted-as each time we filed-I searched for more. Several times I was not filed. So I was not perfect. Just very hurt in our early years.

But he led on to sticking with me, even after I told him we were pregnant from that night we kindly went out to decide how we would file. When he heard that, he blew up and wanted to abort her. Oddly him being raised as the "Christian" I was shocked to hear that. As for I thought I, not being one, felt weird feeling it was some sort of sign to stick together. After a few days he stuck it out--

But thru months of tragedy that led to selfishness as for my illness that no one ever expected interrupted his plans made. He wound up having to find a way to cover both me and his daughter in insurance. My Cobra ran out. He joined the Army. He had many relationships while I was ill in AZ raising Tory. Then he came back for 2 weeks to "help" me after my my 1st brain surgery. Was not fun at all. Even when I went to see my neurologist, he told me the way I acted was I did not want to go live with him-there was fear. But as wife, I was ready to give it a try. 

I was there for 4 days, that night I was very emotional. He looked up at me me at told me "You just better get over it or I will sent just you back---I am going to bed!" I began to bawl-- that didn't turn into "how can I help you sweetie...." it led from him ripping on me from one year to another-my eyes were wide open... and I told him to quiet down for Tory's sake.... He wouldn't...

I then told him I would take the bed, you take the couch until this is all settled. I went to close the door-and he busted part of the side to get in. I always had seen parts of him aggressive... but they kept growing so out of control. 

The neighbor was also Army, would not let me use her phone. Ours still was not hooked up on first night. And I was cell phone-less. I couldn't leave cause I had no idea where I was, and of my baby.... so I lived it out, awake a few more hours with my car key-in which he would need, so he better be good til then.

Story moved fast fast from there-I found an amazing Army Chaplain... no he found me bawling. He took me in his office-guided me what to do. So much in between, but this little 1 1/2 yr old held so tight thru it all.... God just watched over her big. We had run into friends at our apartment that the Army pulled my ex out of--they we Christians-I was clueless. But it made them loving and sweet. Tory and I had all that bonding time again just on our own. We our the Mom and daughter team. We were on our own in the very beginning, middle, then, after.....until we went back to Chandler, AZ....

I had been talking to my amazing friend, who had such a heart for me, how couldn't he for Tory? So several months after my overdosing had begun to numb my pain, Christian began to fly down to Phoenix, where he had business and all his family. We would go on dates-and the amazing part, he would happily go on one along with Tory!! That was a real man!! Those two sure more than connected, as for they are daughter and daddy today!! He is my husband legally for 3 years and 3 days ago!! ( I made it Oct 6, 2006--Oct 6 in 2002 was when my ex beat me, turned it into a wonderful day!)  And this girl has lived thru my ex finally trying to get some time when she was 5 for a drop by than 6-7 yrs old couple weeks per years. It ironically was when her seizures spiked very high. As for stress is one of the top causes for extra seizures.

During her time with my ex, whom no matter what truth of how she was born I would tell her, to her - her real dad was and is Christian. He has raised her since she was 2. Many years prior before my ex stepped back in. But his new wife, 22 yr old, insisted aggressively to her that she call him daddy and her some other name that meant aunt in her country. That was uncomfortable for Tory. They would tell different "tragic" stories that I had never even spoke about to her. I am not 20 anymore. So my child saw psychology for a while. He finally saw what he was doing to her, and sadly they were pregnant and chose the money to her over her-after all they put her thru.

But she and I thru it all were best friends. She was there for me for ALL brain surgeries. Amazing how God is so in her heart. Her heart isn't one to explain at her ages she has been. She cares for all, and all ages. A child that just is like a walking Jesus-not anything much like a child too often. She has a heart for all of you-and she doesn't even know you. I didn't do this. Jesus did this. Started out protection thru parental strife--led on with a leader for not just kids, but adults too-and preparation I am sure for one day when she does hear the truth of he ex dad. But she is one I haven't seen hate one kid yet. And I am so proud. One mom that can learn from her child. The words she'd say to me while in the hospital, would blow me away!!! I am blessed.... with her and her true Dad Christian.

Love you both.

Love,

Heather

A mother eases the pain,

quiets the heart, 

calms the the fear,

and wipes away every tear

that runs down a child's cheek

My child Tory is full of endless love and touching care,

since first moment together we'd always touch and smile,

with her love she'd gracefully come to me and share

endless talk about her and me that took quite a while.  ~Hetty

I love you mommy. you have made my life the best ever. Jesus gave me you and I thank him so much for our love that never ends. Must also come from his amazing gift of love. thank you always for being there always-I will always be there for you too. God has had reason for all brain surgeries, and illnesses. But I love to hug you and kiss you and pray while you are there for the surgery. our love is so strong, mom, I think that it heals just as much thru Christ as surgery does. I love you, praise Jesus for you, think of you always, and can't wait for every moment we will spend our special time together. My love is strong for Jesus, you and daddy--but is also one amazing love that reaches out to all thru hard times. Praying for healing. God amazing me daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, monthly, yearly.... I love you all so much. God Bless.

For us always, thru all to come, we are one on one thru Christ-mom full of love and comfort and teaching.

I love you.

McProdigal Amazmen

This is for my dear friend, mentor Richard Mayhan @McProdigal. He is so transparent, goes deep in subject then brings it to the surface thru the love and heart of our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ
He is so humble-placing others obstacles in life first. He tries to really understand them as if he lived it out. Most of all he has been thru obstacles never ashamed about-therefore he can talk, listen, pray, lift, console, understand, and gather others to pray that you will have no idea about!! His heart is amazing for the love of Christ.... please connect if not--and if ever looking for anyone in counseling/church--he rocks up in New Hampshire!! Otherwise, catch him on here!!!
God bless you all for praying--helping me see some purpose. Pull me out of this mud. It is still so hard everyday-but it is more and more in Christ's hands again, not mine.

God bless-with humble thanks....

Hetty  (Heather)  @AliveinMe  @Time4Christ  http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe

PS... and the Counting Crows started their first major album in 1993-debut 91...no 80's my friend!!  :)