Walk Tightly

Thru all circumstances,

May you feel Christ's Love &

Peace the way I re-shook myself to wake

up and feel and give back. He is our all in all-

why we exist-but NOT why we suffer.

For HE has GREAT plans for us whom follow-

trials on earth will hit us, but we need to remember

WHO to GRASP-not WHAT. That is when the lightbulb turns

on bright and your life for Him is unchangeable. 

Worthy is all His Praise, well, or unwell. 

Blessings all!

The BIG WHY-was this miraculous 3rd brain surgery that a friend of mine made a folder for me for it. It contained as much of all of the prayer warriors praying for me while I was in the hospital Feb 1-14th for this 3rd, and awake brain surgery. Prayer warriors smoothly had this surgery happen-but after it, about a month and a half I was hit with excruciating pain from feet that traveled up my legs so fast it was out of this world!! Been back to my Mayo Hospital twice in patient and out patient. Nothing was jumping out at about every Doctor you could imagine seeing. And I had to move away from Phoenix to here, in Philly area. That whole year of 2010 all it did was worsen-but really took a toll this year. I am 34 and it is almost unable to walk some days. So, I really had BIG ups and downs with Jesus---as for we had so many prayers for the surgery-came thru so well, the moment I was better from healing-ready to get back to living-I was pain stricken--and it so far looks like for life, cause I haven't had a day off yet.

During this tragic disorder for me-has brought in an extremely big blessing--my Big Bro!! He is always with us, by our side-stays with us so he is here to help me thru the days. Lord I feel bad, as for he takes after my mother in anxiety. So when I hit extreme pain-he wants to fix it while his heart is pounding. But it is amazing how God draws family members together. I wouldn't give this up at all. I've wanted this close relationship with him since I was 19. He was hit with some big trials this year--but recently accepted Jesus--and my heart melts, knowing with the strangest, most painful parts of life-might just help another person. 

But once again, in life, even before you know and trust Jesus-His plans our laid out... we may alter them a hunch, but when we accept Him and try to walk tighter with Him, and more like Him--it is then when life begins to change BIG-some you notice BIG TIME and thank Him in tears on your knees, others are more slight changes, or even something that doesn't seem a blessing, but in fact in time (sometimes YEARS) turns into an AMAZING BLESSING with your love, trust, and continual walk and relationship with Jesus. Whether that is with jobs, spouses, children, health etc.... so much has hit my life so hard that I wasn't sure I could, or really wanted to breathe the next day. But as I turned back to Jesus and prayed in tears "what do You want, where do I go from here? will everything work out ok?" He will comfort all in a way that you just will be amazed at. And whatever tragedy is in your life, will soon seem small, as you know He is more than real-He is why you have so many gifts--such as my precious Tory. My ex gave her up-and my husband has been her daddy since she was 2--and I praise God for that. Too many kiddos that are lost and hurt due to divorce, but Christ knew she needed perfect timing-she is sensitive. And she is blessed with my husband, her dad-to walk her down the aisle one day. She is one little girl that has been on fire for Jesus since she was 2... very open. And for that-I thank Jesus for.

Without this man, my husband, Christian Siebens- I am not sure how and where I'd be today. Before I was living for Jesus-I was living for him... to get help to get over the ex beating me, or off the drug I abused to numb that pain. He lived in Seattle, while I was in AZ... and we have endless e-mails... that are so grabbing. Our Lord made us both grow close to HIM, and each other afar, and when he moved to Phoenix back in 2004. Jesus works wonders. We married still, after he dealt with all my seizures, my brain surgery #2 -and Phenobarbital addictions when we re-tried that medication. He is one amazing man, Godly, true, loving, with no raging temper. Shocking compared to my 1st. God taught me a lesson there. Our wedding we had on the date my ex beat me-to wash out the bad-make it a day to look forward to always. He walked us thru more seizures, 

I thank Jesus for my precious friends up in MN.... whom I first met on twitter and Facebook... but then in person up in MN. I am off to see them again end of July. These two are the sisters I never had--and are there in a flash when I need them. Know that there are those type of people still today... never give up!!! He has plans for us all.

My baby Tory... 3 1/2 praising Jesus to Chris Tomlin CD in my one bedroom apartment. We sure were a team!!!! Forever Mommy and Tory...

My precious sweet husband always reaching out to me with love... in all my pain...

I LOVE YOU CHRISTIAN SIEBENS!!!

Now here in PA.... I am too ill to find friends... but have the most precious hubby.... Forever thank Jesus for him!!!

God bless you all... know you are never alone. Mountains get very rocky... very steep... but you will reach the top and see pure beauty, again and again--as long as you keep trusting Jesus. He will carry you!!! No ones life is easier.. He knows all whom can handle--and not. He can take trials-and use them for amazing things in your life.... but even better, in others!!! 

However, unless Jesus comes to me face to face--and the docs with written consent that a 4th brain surgery will make all this body pain flee... I won't go thru this again... I'll just keep praying the pain flees.  :)

In His Love,

Heather

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength thru His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in Your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, thru it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

AMAZING CHRISTMAS!!!

I love this picture. Two of my best friends. My bestest friend-my husband, Christian-who brings joy and light into my life, always. Even if I am in my darkest dark. And my precious friend Dawn, who lives a life for others-full of sweet kindness, love, respect always for the other. She is walking light of love. With them at once-I am blessed overly!!!!
This CHRISTmas was just amazing. It was one that was quaint, stress-free, full of love, forgiveness, joy, and thrill of the coming New Year. This year sure had its bumps-and the way we were handling them was out of control for some time. Jesus got us back IN control-and we are blessed to be blessed with such love for one another-that we love to pour onto others.
We were double blessed. We had my brother back in our home, thrilled to see us all-loving our heart forgive in hard times and give second chances. He is working hard at his new awesome job-and just gracious we all our a family that help one another out-in LOVE. That is our favorite thing.
Then we were blessed again with our precious friend, past neighbor  Dawn, back in Chandler, had her and her daughter Annaka, stay at our house due to being snowed into our new city of Philadelphia. So, even though she was going to make a quick trip to England--she spent that large price to kick it with us in Philly!!! All in all it was totally worth it. We both spent crazy money buying each other and our girls gifts--from missing each other soooo much since I have left. She is one strong willed amazing friend!!! She helped me out in all my crazy seizure attacks. Such a heart!!!

Here is the gift of Christmas from my husband; typed in a beautiful red frame with snowflake stickers....does a different one every Christmas; types....

Our 2010 Family Christmas Prayer

Early this year we thought healthy perfection was in the cards,

Not fantasy, existing only in our deepest hopes.

We moved to get a new start but excitement was followed by confusion and pain.

When Lord we asked, will health be?

In prison, prison of mind, pain and location

Did we make the right decisions for health and for our future?

We begged and waited with bated breath

At times our hopes grew dim, our souls became weary, our desires became dull.

But when we thought we could go no lower and confusion ran amuck,

Suddenly appeared light which issued great intellect and understanding

A light from a divine source. That source being You, Lord.

You gave us peace and understanding that perfection is not the goal

quality life and family was a reality still possible

You sent us Your precious love, love which we hold so dear to our heart.

The sunset and dusks light on a pennsylvania night

The glow of the sunrise on the park at daybreak

The color of the trees, the coolness of the snow

The laughter we hear from Tory aglow

The whisper of peace and letting go

You're our yesterdays memories

Today's reason to live and love

Tomorrow's dreams of the future

All the love we have to give

You are our beginning and our end

All we have in visions sight

Nothing has ever felt this good or this right

So take our hand, walk beside us each day

As we live our lives together with You by our side.

We trust You have our lives in the palm of Your hand.

Happy Birthday Jesus. You are our Everything.

The Siebens Family....

by Christian Siebens .... (aka -Heather Siebens precious other half)

And those are the remarkable words this year from my beloved hubby, whom I thank Jesus for, everyday... we are so blessed with each other, our daughter Tory... all of you as our friends. Many blessings to you all--in this coming year!!!

In God's Glory,

Heather Siebens

Love and Forgiveness help...

I had so much happen since last dwelling blog till now.

I had so much pain, I thought I was really going to die. The medication was increased and I would wake up half dead. But God finally had a point and time when my new medication started working more-but I sadly didn't realize it, so I just kind of slowly took less and less-until I was doubled over in pain, and vomiting from the medication withdrawal. Didn't know it was a strong one like that-my personal anti-seizure ones felt stronger and I could stop them. We went back to the doctor-he updated all meds, and I wound up having 2 large complex partial seizures for me. As for I usually don't have them at all, since 3rd brain surgery. That was the point of the surgery. I sadly paid the price of severe pain after-and am still waiting for a long--LONG period of time I can go PAIN FREE.

Now I know stress doesn't help pain... and I am one sad to admit-I never admit stress...cause I never really can feel it. I can just look back at the situation, and know that most people would have been stressed to death in same situation. I am just one odd brain. I have always been stress "free" -fearless child, a lot probably due to the medication I took for my seizures-was very strong... Phenobarbital. So I was "fearless" or just brain numb-but I would have to crash a plane 4-7 times to ever fear flights. My mother is very scared of everything. A lot of anxiety. She even had a brown bag in her car to breathe in if she had attacks. I just don't do that. Even after my 1st brain surgery, my ex husband beat me 2 months after--you'd think I'd still be seizing with how upset you get from being beaten. Not me. I was still calm enough I was seizure free through it all. All the counseling, pictures, etc.

Now, I knew I was really upset. With the pain I have-the worse it gets, the more depressed I get. Then if a sad, difficult situation arises-I will just bawl over it because of the pain depression I have. So my brother hurt me bad. He left our home, where he was living, taking care of me-to go to Phoenix to do some "work" meetings. That is great-show us the responses-bring in money finally-we'd be happy for him. But he didn't. He called me from a "business partners" home, who also had a stressed life. He provided a very strong ADHD medication for my brother, thinking it was out of kindness--but my brother took them in ridiculous amounts-like cocaine. And I lost him. So this wasn't helping my pain heal any, I had a crash the day after he was supposed to be home-but "missed" his flight and started up some crazy text messages.

So here I am, in utter pain, with a husband out of town, having to handle my precious nine year old all on my own--but I personally couldn't even get up the stairs I was in so much pain. I was in endless calls with my husband in tears--saying I could not do this alone. He knew I couldn't. God knew that. He brought my husband home early from his business trip to Canada by 2 1/2 days... but to me it felt like millions of days gone!!! That was the severe pain, inability to handle it all--and my hurt heart from my brother.

My birthday made a twist. We had a dear friend over. One who has such challenges in life-but such a heart. Amazing how we all differ. My brother has an amazing I.Q. --but that does NOTHING without a working heart. Katie's heart is what works best-and that is what is most needed in this world! And my brother figured that out. Saw what he missed in FB pics-saw photos of me with a friend and family-but minus him somehow for my birthday, and our first snowfall here in Philly since we moved here from AZ. And I am sure his heart sank. Cause his heart picked up his depressed, not moving body, and he typed amazing words to me I didn't know how to handle. Except forgiveness. Right away I knew that. I have been forgiven so much by so many--than mostly -our dear Lord!! But, I try and try to live more like Him, even when I am suffering--to forgive, set up boundaries and rules-but to love all over again.

And maybe that is part of God's reason of my pain. Perhaps it is just here to remind me every day, what IS, can be worse than what just happened, might happen, did happen---etc... but we CAN FIX THAT.... FORGIVE. I have zero control of my pain, but to be personally stress free, take my meds. To be stress free is to LOVE. FORGIVE. Never hold a grudge!!! And this has been the best reminder!!

I have loved my brother so much my whole life... I just always waited for him to love me as much back... that began last year, and never grew as much as this!! I am very blessed to have a brother like Troy Jensen. Doesn't matter to me how long it took--I have him. I am blessed.

And he and my precious hubby are like best friends... I know it hurt my dear hubby Christian Siebens... so his heart is healed too. But one mostly healed ever is my daughter, named after him, Tory. She talked to him on the phone like an exciting hour--then ran down the stairs in tears of joy!!!! Made him a Christmas gift already!!! She calls them "twins..." She has a heart like Jesus... never seen anyone else like this child, and it isn't from me!!! I am just blessed!!!

I love you all... thank you all for your prayers thru everything. This is why I have been afar!!! A lot going on with health and family!!!!! I love you all so much!!!

To God Be The Glory!!

Heather

Philippians 4: 6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

WHAT UP?? from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Is This His Plan?

Heath & Marital Trials & tears

Where do you turn in life-when the only one-- ONE with the correct answer is Christ. And with each brain surgery, from the one in 2002-not knowing Him at all with excruciating head throbs-to my 2005 one being so ON FIRE for HIM I think the other side of the nation saw the flames-I came out two days after surgery-little pain. Then to this past year-2010--strong prayer, from me, family, near by friends to across the world even posted in a book for me by Katie Hartnett and blogs all over prior and after. I was pain free except the headache that comes along with-but is manageable with meds and rest. Very functional right away. But this 3rd brain surgery took a toll--it didn't work the full absolute miracles that we all expected thru prayer, thru God. Thru the "doors opened", one closed-one left to enter....this one. I now question that thought, did I pray deep enough? Did I have the time to pray right in the coming end of it? It is like me. I am very black and white, yes or no person-So to answer that door open, I do not wait and wait for any door action to show up. If it slammed in given time, that is black to me-no, don't do it. If I wait around forever and watch it slowly close by docs choice of my procrastination-than that is grey. I pray and wait for one of these responses-in wishes Christ had a cell phone at times. Then perhaps I wouldn't be in this predicament. Cause right now, Black, white, grey of the door slamming is no longer working in my  ten year relationship with Christ. I've heard that saying said so many times too. He has now proven me there is more to it all over all types of prayer, "door slamming" (black and white), extra opinions. As for my opinion is a wreck from being so unwell. Making all decisions is no longer in my hands as used to be. Not until this is healed.
And does He want me in this predicament or does He want me healed?

-Never ending, unanswered pain-results from my 3rd brain surgery I chose for a seizure free life.
-Resulting in inability to function as a homemaker, mom, wife, friend (hard to elaborate home day to day, they differ, but are all extreme pain, emotional, many times edgy, unable to open her own soda. (any can of whatever) I am 33, and declining. And it got worse, sadly with the stressfulness of Christians new career he loves (I feel more than me) and our move to Philly, sadly, which I do love. But this weather is breaking my pain until they go in for a brain surgery #4 to cut off all pain, due to the fact that they are not sure which part of the brain was clipped on the pain inducing part that reacts to nothing. Cutting it all out is better answer-feel no pain-like the movie UNBREAKABLE .... that would be me, 2nd time around.

This all hit a few months prior my husband getting offered a job out here in Philly--where none of my docs I am familiar with are at. Perhaps though this severe pain coming from the 3rd brain surgery-and my surgeon in denial-is part reason for sending us out here. Never-the-less, I wasn't really prepared physically, with doctors, knowledge of illness, emotionally-and in my relationship with my spouse and daughter for all that has hit me. And my husband has gone from an easy kick back job, to full force, forget where he is, what day it is, who he is, almost who I am it is that deep of a career. His hair is on fire and I am way too unwell to ever put it out now. I have no ability to help him-he has this full force, out of this world career-in addition to me, a full force wreck that has to hand him everything I do or did, cause I am too weak, sore, unwell to ever begin to. The whole court is his-yet it isn't. I have to verbally direct him when he gets really cranky or in overuse of my little child. We are at that point we need someone in to clean our home, cause I can barely clean myself-I hurt that bad. But he is so stubborn. Then, one day-as blessed as we are having my brother here-Troy J Jensen-- keeping him to help me thinking my health will get better--but let's live up to the fact, that isn't in the future cards, anytime soon-if at all. And he will, once we are done searching all docs in Philly to the ground, to see they snipped and clipped wrong in my 3rd brain surgery--he and I will have built this amazing friendship-never to be broken, but it will be time for him to move onto something in life promising. Which will sadden me, but make me happy for him. But then my husband-who will be working his chaotic hours, will hire some stranger to take care of me. This is the new life story.... and if I don't live thru marriage falling apart by then, then he will have moved on... that is the status quo of his type of position in life. I wish him all the well with that.
Til then, I greatly pray something miraculous fixes my pain. Or he fixes his job to become about a 20 hour a week job-or less. This is a fall-apart. And I haven't come across the right way to pray yet to make this flee--so perhaps this is permanent torture, or a calling to keep speaking His Word to best of my ability no matter what pain. Not sure. But this reaches a limit fibromyalgia just doesn't--I would actually trade in this case knowing the difference--as for I am missing a whole nerve for pain in my brain, from 3rd brain surgery. So -unless they go in a 4th time to cut the rest-just numb me, I will be in excruciating pain forever. I feel like a severe biblical pain like Job and Paul went thru-in a chapter of my own. Only no credit.

Bitter ending, with apologies. Marital strife, severe body pain, friends I no longer can please- all just never ends.... greatly apologize thru Christ... as I pray to Him for answers this month for left eyesight help, pain medication until the day before my birthday--Dec 14th, answers from a new neurologist as to where to go, who to see to help rid this pain.

I know He has the answer. Just so much easier for me to pray for seizure relief-surgery, as for I can seize and continue. This is constant, never-ending, severe pain, that makes you thank God you make it thru each day to the next.

Love you and thank you all for you love, prayers, support, friendship. For those I have been unable to call back--this pain is so excruciating that speaking is just crying. We will all have our day again--
Christian--I sure pray we do too. You have been my everything, remember from day I met you till now. Don't sell me short to your love of your career or money. My heart will break. You are amazing at what you do-and I don't want you to give it up. But I don't want you to forget me, or set me aside with "keepers" for you. Where do we go then? Never forget the letter I wrote you before brain surgery in 2005---I will post it on FB.

God bless you all. Goodnight!!

2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.

What Do You Hear?

Holding On

Romans 9:18  So you see, God shows mercy to some just because He wants to, and He chooses to make some people refuse to listen.

Powerful words. I remember being told by someone like a year ago they decided not to believe in Jesus-have faith at all, all because of this verse. It is a strong verse. But I stared at it for a while-it really didn't pertain to my life yet, so it didn't come out strong yet. So I gave it time.

Not that I know what the Word possible is for sure, but it came to my mind with all me, then my brother-my family goes thru. I already knew it isn't a pre-destined - or freewill would have been pointless... and learning to have faith in Christ, etc. The reason behind that verse above is that God has His timing. His personal patience and plans on all of us. With knowing all each of us can go thru and take to find Him-He knows how long to allow us to keep wandering on our own, for our own love of life and things until He finally starts to throw in "signs." Throw in pushes for us to learn more... make Him more obvious thru all we've gone thru and pulled-whether we like it or not. Until one day we do run into a something, someone, sometime that all blend together so perfect to help everything open for finding, and searching for Him-willingly. And that is when it is amazing.

I have seen this happen so many times. Starting with myself denying in the beginning. But getting coddled the whole way-while clueless it was Him at all then. Until I hit my bottom-then He opened my eyes and ears and heart to it all. That is when I really saw all He did the whole way.

I have seen this in so many friends, my brother, amazing souls who come to me--I am amazed at how He moves all around us-with such a heart. With plans. He doesn't want to see any of us perish for sure.

So know-even though someones eyes and ears may be shut right now-- but In His Time they will be opened, and such a shock. And He has plans with it all.

As I sit here on the end of my testing-I pray my daughter does well thru the week til I get home. As she grips Jesus. My husband keeps walking tight with Him as I return-our love only gets stronger thru Him--and my brother just gets ready for a big hug, even when I am in pain-and just to talk all about how amazing He is, always. He does have plans for us.

This has been a tough week here in Phoenix with all these medical tests-but I do know He is true and faithful. And He sure has love extended to us all--with endless plans for life!!

Love you all!

In His Love,

Heather

Beyond Thought

Luke 6:37-38
“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back."

Giving. Doesn't it always seem like we are talking physical gift? Whether Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc... isn't giving usually looked at as physical gifts?

Those gifts are amazing, and usually from an amazing soul that is already a gift from Jesus--whether you spouse, kiddo, brother, sister, parents etc... to me, they sure are gifts as well.

My big brother and I have formed a bond, a relationship-an extreme gift to me this past year. One that I will cherish forever. One that is better than any wrapped gift-as for it is all from the hearts. Mine was never perfect, but was sure patient in waiting to hear from my heart-filled brother one day. One that set money aside, acknowledging that money can be productive, but nothing can be like the heart of a loved one.

And that is what he has done in just ounces of time. May not have all of what he had in the beginning of his spiral-may not add up as much expensive "needed" items. Or over time just tons of stuff of expense, that just don't mean anything in the heart. When the heart isn't reacting-there is more to be searched for. Praying to God He guides you how to fill it with something correct of the heart.

Even if you have tried another persons heart-try it again, but with one of deep love you haven't allowed yourself to recognize. 

My brother and I have so much love for each other-he was just unaware for a while there. I always loved him beyond happy book love. I truly put my whole self out there-defending all he was going thru, put me thru, others thru. He was needing more heart patience from someone-or he'd give up on his. And for months I was there, patient, and full of love and history. He just needed to make a change. Choose to.

He chose to when we moved to Philly. He saw my suffering with my illness-and my Why God's coming out. He didn't like that about me. He knew how I knew all about Jesus, and was one to share. Time before, yes, he thought that was weird... but watching my illness get worse as my love faded for Christ-all he could do was begin praying. And talking a ton to me about Jesus. Finally, after a decade of my love for Christ there-he had to reset it for me too. This life isn't just about me--he'd tell me... thru the illness it was about helping others. Finding right help. Growing close as family--- and for him, staying off his amazing work until I am better, so I have him at home, helping.

God worked wonders thru my brother to restart my engine. Siblings like this keep you alive-just thru love and personality-but thru Christ at the beginning of a brilliant walk.

We are thrilled and blessed beyond measure. All I can say is Praise The Lord!

In His Love,

Heather  @AliveinMe  @Time4Christ