Love and Forgiveness help...

I had so much happen since last dwelling blog till now.

I had so much pain, I thought I was really going to die. The medication was increased and I would wake up half dead. But God finally had a point and time when my new medication started working more-but I sadly didn't realize it, so I just kind of slowly took less and less-until I was doubled over in pain, and vomiting from the medication withdrawal. Didn't know it was a strong one like that-my personal anti-seizure ones felt stronger and I could stop them. We went back to the doctor-he updated all meds, and I wound up having 2 large complex partial seizures for me. As for I usually don't have them at all, since 3rd brain surgery. That was the point of the surgery. I sadly paid the price of severe pain after-and am still waiting for a long--LONG period of time I can go PAIN FREE.

Now I know stress doesn't help pain... and I am one sad to admit-I never admit stress...cause I never really can feel it. I can just look back at the situation, and know that most people would have been stressed to death in same situation. I am just one odd brain. I have always been stress "free" -fearless child, a lot probably due to the medication I took for my seizures-was very strong... Phenobarbital. So I was "fearless" or just brain numb-but I would have to crash a plane 4-7 times to ever fear flights. My mother is very scared of everything. A lot of anxiety. She even had a brown bag in her car to breathe in if she had attacks. I just don't do that. Even after my 1st brain surgery, my ex husband beat me 2 months after--you'd think I'd still be seizing with how upset you get from being beaten. Not me. I was still calm enough I was seizure free through it all. All the counseling, pictures, etc.

Now, I knew I was really upset. With the pain I have-the worse it gets, the more depressed I get. Then if a sad, difficult situation arises-I will just bawl over it because of the pain depression I have. So my brother hurt me bad. He left our home, where he was living, taking care of me-to go to Phoenix to do some "work" meetings. That is great-show us the responses-bring in money finally-we'd be happy for him. But he didn't. He called me from a "business partners" home, who also had a stressed life. He provided a very strong ADHD medication for my brother, thinking it was out of kindness--but my brother took them in ridiculous amounts-like cocaine. And I lost him. So this wasn't helping my pain heal any, I had a crash the day after he was supposed to be home-but "missed" his flight and started up some crazy text messages.

So here I am, in utter pain, with a husband out of town, having to handle my precious nine year old all on my own--but I personally couldn't even get up the stairs I was in so much pain. I was in endless calls with my husband in tears--saying I could not do this alone. He knew I couldn't. God knew that. He brought my husband home early from his business trip to Canada by 2 1/2 days... but to me it felt like millions of days gone!!! That was the severe pain, inability to handle it all--and my hurt heart from my brother.

My birthday made a twist. We had a dear friend over. One who has such challenges in life-but such a heart. Amazing how we all differ. My brother has an amazing I.Q. --but that does NOTHING without a working heart. Katie's heart is what works best-and that is what is most needed in this world! And my brother figured that out. Saw what he missed in FB pics-saw photos of me with a friend and family-but minus him somehow for my birthday, and our first snowfall here in Philly since we moved here from AZ. And I am sure his heart sank. Cause his heart picked up his depressed, not moving body, and he typed amazing words to me I didn't know how to handle. Except forgiveness. Right away I knew that. I have been forgiven so much by so many--than mostly -our dear Lord!! But, I try and try to live more like Him, even when I am suffering--to forgive, set up boundaries and rules-but to love all over again.

And maybe that is part of God's reason of my pain. Perhaps it is just here to remind me every day, what IS, can be worse than what just happened, might happen, did happen---etc... but we CAN FIX THAT.... FORGIVE. I have zero control of my pain, but to be personally stress free, take my meds. To be stress free is to LOVE. FORGIVE. Never hold a grudge!!! And this has been the best reminder!!

I have loved my brother so much my whole life... I just always waited for him to love me as much back... that began last year, and never grew as much as this!! I am very blessed to have a brother like Troy Jensen. Doesn't matter to me how long it took--I have him. I am blessed.

And he and my precious hubby are like best friends... I know it hurt my dear hubby Christian Siebens... so his heart is healed too. But one mostly healed ever is my daughter, named after him, Tory. She talked to him on the phone like an exciting hour--then ran down the stairs in tears of joy!!!! Made him a Christmas gift already!!! She calls them "twins..." She has a heart like Jesus... never seen anyone else like this child, and it isn't from me!!! I am just blessed!!!

I love you all... thank you all for your prayers thru everything. This is why I have been afar!!! A lot going on with health and family!!!!! I love you all so much!!!

To God Be The Glory!!

Heather

Philippians 4: 6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

WHAT UP?? from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Back to Mayo

Back to Mayo

I now live in Philadelphia, PA. Am still in utter pain from before my move out here. It has been excruciating since two months after my 3rd brain surgery. The pain started in April of 2010-and has gotten nothing but worse.

I have had so many by my side thru it all. One amazing one is @mcProdigal - as I have had these enormous break downs, he has stood up for me. Reasons. Prayer. Friendship. One who is always there for you in moments time, as you reach out. He will amaze you. He still does me. And I hope he knows he will be kept in contact my whole stay at Mayo. 

My own brother @troyjensen is the one who has awakened me to getting well. Back to Jesus and my faith. He has so much love it is amazing-he is the one with the brain yet takes time for me. We are the brother and sister I've always wanted, and I hope even more than he ever expected.

My husband has the strength to let me go to Phoenix, AZ-back to my hospital to have this figured out. And he loves me so much, he didn't hang on-saying no no, go here. He has let me go knowing the best is where I am going-that way he can get a larger, great percentage back of me to him.

And my Tory will always amaze all. She is so on fire for Jesus. The one young child Jesus has made to understand so much about my illnesses and how to fix them-not to fear it. She has such an understanding and pure love for all of us thru it-it makes me cry more.

Thank you all for your support. I will land in Phoenix tomorrow 1 pm... and enter Mayo on Tuesday... look forward to staying in touch thru it all. You all amaze me.

God bless you all!

In His Love,

Heather

McProdigal Amazmen

This is for my dear friend, mentor Richard Mayhan @McProdigal. He is so transparent, goes deep in subject then brings it to the surface thru the love and heart of our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ
He is so humble-placing others obstacles in life first. He tries to really understand them as if he lived it out. Most of all he has been thru obstacles never ashamed about-therefore he can talk, listen, pray, lift, console, understand, and gather others to pray that you will have no idea about!! His heart is amazing for the love of Christ.... please connect if not--and if ever looking for anyone in counseling/church--he rocks up in New Hampshire!! Otherwise, catch him on here!!!
God bless you all for praying--helping me see some purpose. Pull me out of this mud. It is still so hard everyday-but it is more and more in Christ's hands again, not mine.

God bless-with humble thanks....

Hetty  (Heather)  @AliveinMe  @Time4Christ  http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe

PS... and the Counting Crows started their first major album in 1993-debut 91...no 80's my friend!!  :)

Illness

Matthew 9:27-29

After Jesus left the girl's home, two blind men followed along behind Him, shouting, "Son of David, have mercy on us!"  They went right into the house where He was staying, and Jesus asked them, "Do you believe I can make you see?" "Yes Lord, we do!" Then He touched their eyes and said, "Because of your faith, it will happen." And suddenly they could see! Jesus sternly warned them, "Do not tell anyone about this."

And I have gone thru so many illnesses. But it all happened at a severe point right before I found Jesus. Was that because I rejected Him for five years prior and needed me on fast forward to take care of my child. Be a single mom.

Then I get so on fire that I spread Him like fire. On line, off line, around line etc. I wonder if I compared to the men in this Scripture.

I do know that I am sick. I do know I have to keep growing closer to Jesus, as for it healed me before. Epilepsy is now gone after years of worshipping our One and only Savior. 

Deal is, every single time I was healed, another illness hit. Why illness? Why me? The one in the family who worships Him with all her heart. What does that do for Him and growth of other finding Him, if I can't get out there. Is this the last severe illness I bow to Him for? Or will it never end with me.

That is scary. These aren't small go to the doc and get some meds. These are from epilepsy, bad kidney, to blind eye, kills to function.

So if I could ask Jesus a simple question, "Will illness continue...." I wish I could. I could pray harder like I used to. Share His Word like never before. But when one illness gets healed by brain surgery, 3 mind you, and you get struck with an eye that can't see and body that can't function.... your Word for Him calms down. Know He is out there.... but maybe not for you. And the fire I had lit to share His Word is limited, as for I can't see reason for such despair.

And if any kind, it is something daily painful, and slow, like torture. Not doctors agreement on date due to cancer for me passing. But just a harsh way to keep me focused on Him, others to come to Him. Perhaps. But there are better ways.

Jesus, I love you.... please end this soon. I can't bring others to You like this. Simple truth.

Heather